My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
