I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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