It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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