I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize