Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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