my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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