I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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