im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
