Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
