i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
