Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
