I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
