I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.