I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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