New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
