During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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