He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
