So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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