There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
