You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
