hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
