not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
