Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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