you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
