Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
