I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
