a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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