woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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