I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
