Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
