Who wears a wallet chain?!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
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Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
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You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.