she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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