i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
