I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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