They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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