fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
