Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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