She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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