sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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