im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
