he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
we're so committed to being not committed
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
