Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
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so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
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OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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