my room smells like sperm. sweet.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
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If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
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I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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