i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
