good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
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I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
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I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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