if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
