Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
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so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
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Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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