he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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