We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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