I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
