Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
