If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
