I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
