HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
