you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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