The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
