you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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