i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
