After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
