Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
