I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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